“You’re Not Worthy” and Other Lies I’ve Told Myself

Dear blog, since the last time we met, a whole lot of life has transpired. However, the state of life has not changed much. We are still being faced with the most challenging year in modern history with new WTF moments every day. All in all, I remain grateful to still be here. However, 2020 has forced me to reconcile what exactly being here means.

I am not nice to myself and that is something I consistently disclose with a true desire to change it. Still, affirmations begin to sound like lies very quickly when you don’t even have the confidence to believe the words you’re saying. Today, with less than thirty days before my next solar return, I am calling myself out on every falsehood I have told myself.

Lie #1: You’re Weird
I have always been different. My petite family can tell you. My friends from high school (and bullies) can tell you. My exes can tell you. To experience me is not the common occurrence but I mistook that for being an oddity when in fact I am an experience. I like to enhance conversations, to offer services you never thought you needed and to point out the unseen. I will not lie and say that I’ve never been condescending with my gifts. I use that as a defence mechanism before I am inevitably misunderstood. My uniqueness is not weird.

Lie #2: You’re Not Worthy
I remember my first love blaming me for an action he took that resulted in his incarceration. I had no parts in the act but because he chose to spend time with me that would have been otherwise used to prepare for this caper, it was my fault. His time was something I had never gotten much of, nor a title, nor respect, nor love, nor commitment. I deserve(d) all of those things the same way he deserved the sentence he ultimately served. I am worthy of all the good things that have happened to me and more.

Lie #3: You’re Ugly
Ripping the band-aid off here…I look down while I am washing my face. Maintaining eye contact with myself is burdensome sometimes because I see a caricature of all my insecurities. There is no digital filter to make me look like society’s beauty standards in the mirror. The lie I’ve always told myself, that I am hideous, has slowly manifested ugly habits like being sedentary, eating crap or staying up for nights at a time. Truth is, I am beautiful and I will treat myself as precious and only accept that standard from others. I am my most prized possession.

Lie #4: Everyone’s disappointed in you
This lie drives or stalls a lot of my growth. If I was doing exactly what I wanted to do, a lot of people would be disappointment but would I be? Sometimes it takes letting people down to pick yourself up. The people we love may not always understand our processes but if they love us, they will be there to support us as we find our way.

One thought on ““You’re Not Worthy” and Other Lies I’ve Told Myself

  1. Beautiful writing Takiyah. I love how honest you are with your experience. I also love your shift in per perspective, where you go from saying those negative things to yourself to affirming your worth. This was a very nice read.

    Like

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