Happy New Year to all and Happy Anniversary to TakiyahChanel.com! It’s been a wonderful twelve months and I’ve healed so much just by being able to share my story. Thank you to everyone who reads, shares and comments – you truly have made me love my art again.
I know the New Year is supposed to bring a sense of renewal and rejuvenation but can I be honest and say that I am not there? I feel an increase in angst and pressure because I am still so unsure of myself. At 27, it seems that I lost the right to be lost a long time ago, so expressing this to family isn’t a go. Expressing it to my friends who are all confident and trodding on to success isn’t a go. So with those two self-imposed gag orders in effect, I recoil to that place.
You know it. They say that mold loves darkness and moisture. So I imagine my “place” to be a dark and damp area where my once fresh dreams have started to grow spores and morph into hairy versions of themselves.
I know you must be thinking “damn Takiyah, it’s only 4 days into 2020”. Here’s the gag, forget all New Years resolutions. My only goal is to deal with this, before it deals with me. I’ve began to pray different prayers. Not the cute stuff you can say kneeling down. The “God, I can’t move. I’m stuck. I don’t know what You are doing and Lord – I’m not sure if You know either.” The nerve, right? To feel like a fat, ugly joke most of the time and then ask the Lord why I feel that way when He has told me how much I mean to Him just by allowing my lungs to take in air.
This self love isn’t a fad y’all. It’s the only way we can make it in a superficial world where likes are currency. And it’s a constant relationship and perhaps for me, that’s why it is so hard. I send love out, oh boy do I. It’s giving it to myself that takes exceeding amounts of energy. I’m not sure if I’ve taken self-love out of the range of vanity.
I’m sharing this because I’m wondering if anyone else is here, or has been here. How did you move out of that place?