My birthday is in November and I normally for some odd reason spend the weeks leading up to it being melancholy. In an effort to shake that off this year, I’m going to attempt a post a day until my birthday on the 15th. It’s a big undertaking but I’m so excited to share content with you. As always, like and comment on this and all my posts if you enjoy my blog! Love you!
“I shouldn’t be resentful.” I didn’t give much detail about my biological father in my previous post because I truly don’t know much. We’ve met a few times and his family did a lot for me during my college experience. However – he and I don’t speak very often and when we do the exchanges are short and casual.
I do have siblings by him, two of which he is very proud. So when I see a post celebrating my baby brother or a heartfelt comment under my sister’s photo, I shouldn’t resent them. I even had a spat with my sister because I just couldn’t bring myself to let her in my life by default. I feel guilty even resenting him. Still, I have had enough battles with my self-worth to know what it feels like to question whether I’m good enough. At nearly 27 years old, I am still waiting for the answer to why I wasn’t worth it then and now that I am grown, why the effort still hasn’t been made.
I understand that I came at a time and into a situation where there was uncertainty. Doubt having been removed, was there a plan for what would happen if I someday needed him? An organ, a walk down the aisle, God forbid, a tribute at my funeral…how would he be able to say goodbye to someone he really never knew? It would be so different if I knew that he was incapable of loving or parenting a child. Turns out, he seems to be great at it. I just wasn’t there at the right time. Again – it is so much easier to blog this than communicate it. How do you ask a stranger why they don’t love you? Writing it out is my way of burying the emotion on my end, and if this post offers the same results as the last, it could hurt him. Which is the last thing I would want.
But I’ve met God during the drafting process so many times and every word I type brings me healing. So, in my soul-stitching, if I prick a few nerves to tie myself together, then so be it.
Matthew 23:9 says to call no man on earth your father, as we have one Father in Heaven. This verse sticks out to me because as someone has had so many paternal struggles with mortal men, knowing that God the Father still looks down and considers me His child is true comfort.
I hope and pray that neither of my dads misunderstand my words. That they look at the children they have that aren’t grown and try to correct the mistakes they made. I love them both. Oh, and I’m not claiming to have “daddy issues” anymore – my Father has got it from here.