Love is Not Algebra, Quit Solving Your (E)x

Tell me that I am not the only person who has that one being from their history that recirculates ever so often to bring catastrophe – I call mine “El Niño” for that same reason. We failed because he was overwhelmed by the way in which I love, which I admit is not for the faint of heart, and amicably parted ways. The problem was amicable always had a bit of a blurred line. I could guarantee that the minute we got back into a habit for consistent communication, feelings would start to cloud overhead and poor decision-making would start to rain down.

I hated myself for giving so many chances to him, even to just be my friend, because he did hurt me. The mistake that I made was giving him the knife to make the emotional incision, and then the thread to stitch me back up. I left way too much up to him, and what he wanted, and he enjoyed every minute of it. He took pride in comparing himself to my new relationships, and I reveled in being bitter at the sight of the ladies he romanced after me. We always kept that trap door open in the event we wanted to sabotage ourselves just a little bit.

When I finally moved on (two years and some change later), I watched a new love battle with his own catastrophe, La Niña. Understanding fully what it looks, feels, tastes and smells like made me choose to step away from him while he battled that storm. You see, sometimes we resent sunshine after being clouded over for so long. Drama is addictive, toxicity is thrilling and if we are not careful, we mistake the confusion for passion.

The storms in both cases, know exactly what they are doing. They will spin the things that once were in a way that envelopes you, and before you know it, you are in the eye of a true hurricane. It is very rare that they want you for themselves but hate the fact that you may have found relief before they feel you deserve it.

I had to admit to myself and El Niño that we just are not friendship material. Nowadays we exchange courteous glances once in a blue moon and I walk away with a twinge of nostalgia and a whole lot of relief that he can’t rain over me anymore.

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